A psychologist’s job is to do exactly that. Our job is not to “fix” or give advice, that would assume I know more than my client about their experience. Harvesting the craft of supporting without giving advice is a product of regulation, curiosity, and and validation.
Here are 8 actionable steps for how to support someone without giving advice.
1. Be curious, we don’t have their solution.
We might have our solution, we might know what we would do in the situation, but true support allows the person to do what is best for them. By being curious, we can learn about their experience, their goals, and even their pain.
What that looks like: “What’s has been the hardest part?” or “What are you needing the most now?”
2. Validate the experience and the emotion they are having, even if you don’t agree or feel similarly.
You don’t have to be on the same page of a situation to acknowledge that what the other person is feeling is real.
What that looks like: “That sounds really hard” or “I see how sad you are”.
3. Tolerate the distress that we are not here to fix it.
It can be hard to look at someone we care about and feel helpless in their pain. Sometimes just sitting with the person in the darkness is the solution.
What that looks like: Try to refrain from offering a solution, “Here’s what I would do” or “You should XYZ”.
4. Reflect what they are saying.
Say the words that they are saying or paraphrase, rather than create your own interpretation. This helps people feel more understood and supported.
What that looks like: “I am hearing XYZ”, “It sounds like XYZ”, “I understand that XYZ”.
5. Ask permission. See what they want.
Give them the option of what they’re needing in the moment. That could be support, brainstorming, or advice. You might be shocked at their answer and it prevents advice from feeling intrusive.
What that looks like: “Do you need support or solutions now?”, “How are you hoping I show up for you through this?”, or “Would it help if I just listened?”
6. Keep your experiences out of it.
While this could be beneficial later on to express that the person is not alone through their situation, doing it too early can feel like you are making it about you.
What that looks like: Ask about them, “Have you ever been through something like this before?”, “Who else can support you through this?”.
7. Support them in their independence.
Advice giving can facilitate dependence, rather than autonomy. While in the short term, it might deepen the relationship, overtime it causes too much pressure that can ultimately erode the dynamic.
What that looks like: “What do you think you could do that could help this situation?”. “How have you gotten through other tough things?”.
8. Remember you can only problem solve, if you understand.
There is a time and place for advice, but to even give sound direction, you have to listen. Attuning to the experience of the person helps the regulate, which will likely support them in coming to their own solutions, without you even needing to share yours.
What this looks like: Eye contact, head nodding, leaning in, validating. “I understand”, ” I get it”, “I hear you”.
Being a good friend or a leader is a skill, take time the learn your counterpart’s needs and notice what actually helps them, rather than what makes you feel helpful.