People often think impactful communication is about saying the “right” thing. I think it’s about listening.
In my experience as a clinical psychologist and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist, it’s far more about how we understand; ourselves first, and then others. Communication isn’t a performance. It’s a relational process. When it’s done well, it builds safety, clarity, and connection. When it’s done poorly, it can reinforce misunderstanding, shame, or defensiveness, sometimes without either person realizing it.
Where listening begins
My interest in communication began long before my formal training. As early as high school, I was fascinated by how people become who they are and why they respond so differently to the same experiences. That curiosity deepened during my early volunteer work on the National Eating Disorders Association helpline, where I witnessed firsthand how much pain lives beneath the surface of everyday conversations. People were not struggling because they lacked willpower or insight; they were struggling because they felt unseen, unheard, or misunderstood. That realization has shaped my work ever since.
One of the most essential elements of impactful communication is establishing a shared reality. Before addressing emotions, needs, or solutions, both people must agree on what actually happened. This step sounds simple, but it’s often skipped. Without a shared understanding of the facts, conversations quickly devolve into defensiveness or parallel monologues. When we take the time to clarify reality together, we create a stable foundation for everything that follows.
Equally important is self-awareness. Before entering a conversation, I encourage people to check in with themselves, not just their thoughts, but their bodies and emotions. Are you activated? Exhausted? Feeling dismissed or afraid? Our internal state inevitably shapes how we listen and respond. When we communicate without understanding our own reactions, we risk speaking from reactivity rather than intention. Impactful communication requires regulation, not perfection.
From there, intention matters more than eloquence. I often ask clients and trainees a simple question: What is your goal in this conversation? Is it to repair trust, to be understood, to set a boundary, or to problem-solve? When intention is unclear, communication becomes scattered or unfair. When intention is clear, it helps guide tone, timing, and language, even in difficult conversations.
Another core principle I teach is listening for understanding, not response. Many people listen only long enough to formulate their rebuttal. True listening, however, requires slowing down and allowing the other person’s experience to land. One of the most meaningful pieces of feedback I’ve ever received came from a trainee who told me that my greatest impact wasn’t advice, it was how I listened in a way that helped her hear herself more clearly. That ability to create space for another person’s clarity is one of the most powerful communication skills we can develop.
Why listening matters
Impactful communication also requires holding compassion and accountability at the same time. These are often framed as opposites, but they are not. Compassion without accountability can feel vague or enabling; accountability without compassion can feel punitive or shaming. When we can name harm while still honoring emotion, we preserve both clarity and dignity. This balance is especially critical in clinical, leadership, and relational settings.
Context, too, cannot be ignored. Communication does not exist in a vacuum. Timing, cultural norms, power dynamics, and relational history all shape how messages are received. I learned this viscerally when I moved from New Jersey to Northern California for training. The same communication style that was perceived as gentle and collaborative in one region was interpreted as direct and assertive in another. That experience reinforced a lesson I now teach regularly: communication is not defined by intent alone, it is defined by impact.
In a digital world that prioritizes speed and certainty, thoughtful communication is increasingly rare. Technology can expand access and connection, but it also flattens nuance and rewards reaction over reflection. Meaningful dialogue requires something slower and more deliberate: curiosity, humility, and a willingness to sit with complexity.
Ultimately, impactful communication is not about mastering techniques, it’s about practicing presence. When we understand ourselves, clarify reality, communicate with intention, listen deeply, and balance compassion with accountability, our words begin to do what they are meant to do: create understanding, foster connection, and support change.
Want to hear my interview with The Medium? Click here!